How to get beyond the first date


You had a great first date--now what? Do you call him, or wait for him to call you? Answers from professional matchmaker Janis Spindel.

How to get beyond the first date

You had a great first date. You really liked him. You thought he really liked you. You called the next day to thank him and suggested a second date. But you haven't heard back from him in three to four days. And did we say that you really thought that he liked you? What to do?

  • Try to figure out why you thought he really liked you. It may just be that circumstances have prevented him from calling rather than he just isn't into you. If you think his interest was genuine, go ahead and call him. It shows interest, and men like that.
  • When you do go on the second date, and you both discover that the spark is genuine, remember that it's NOT okay to invite him upstairs, or to be invited up to his place. While there is no "rule" for when it's okay to have sex -- either number of dates or length of time --- it has to grow out of your developing relationship. How frequently are you seeing him? What's your comfort level? Does it just seem "right" to you now? (And according to Janis Spindel, it's never okay for you to initiate sex.)
  • The top three things that men look for in a date:
    • Looks
    • Intellectual stimulation
    • Confidence and sense of humor
  • The three things that they don't want:
    • High maintenance
    • Overweight
    • Stupidity
  • Keep in mind that men do tend to be realistic about what they are looking for in a date.
  • If you really like a guy, but just don't find him physically attractive after the second or third date, don't give up yet. Try to assess what it is about him that you do find attractive -- is it his personality? Is he really bright and interesting? If there's substance, go for another three dates, as looks can easily "grow" on you. Give yourself time and you may be surprised!


Transcript LISA: I’m Lisa Birnbach for We’re talking about dating. Specifically, how to get beyond the first date with someone you actually like.  Janis Spindel, professional matchmaker and author of How to Date Men is a fount of practical advice on the matter. Janis thank you for joining us.

JANIS: Thanks.  

LISA: Janis, we went on a date. It was a good date. I called him the next day and thanked him and said let’s do it again. I haven’t heard from him. It’s three or four days. I’m, I’m sure he’s not interested in me. Am I right?

JANIS: Well it could be a possibility that he’s just not that into you for whatever reason. Or it could be circumstantial. So you make the decision. You thought it was a good date. Why do you think it was a good date? If you really thought he liked you then pick up the phone and call him. If you do go out with him again because he said, ‘you know what I wasn’t going to call her’—and I’ve heard this a lot from men—‘I wasn’t going to call her, but she called me. You know what, let me go out with her again.’ And--

LISA: And could that turn into something?

JANIS: That could turn into a relationship.  

LISA: Okay. The second date was even more fun and I felt the sparks. What’s the rule for ending the second date? Can he invite me upstairs? Can I invite him upstairs?

JANIS: No. No.

LISA: Okay, kissing?  

JANIS: Usually what I will tell women to do because it shows warmth, when you’re done with the first date, or the second date for that matter, give him a kiss on the cheek when you say thank you.  

LISA: What’s the sex threshold?

JANIS: You know, women ask me this all day long. There is no rule to what number date you have sex. It depends on what’s going on between you and that person. It’s not the tenth, it’s not the eighth, it’s not wait four months, it is what it is. And that depends on what’s going on, how often you see that person, what the chemistry is like, the comfort level. What do you feel is natural?

LISA: Is it ever okay for the woman to initiate, um, s-e-x?


LISA: Okay. And what are the things that men really want out of a date? Are they all looking for the same woman?

JANIS: No. If I had to say the top three things? Looks, intellectually stimulating, confidence slash sense of humor. So I snuck in a fourth.

LISA: And what do they not want?

JANIS: They don’t want high maintenance, they don’t want overweight, they don’t want stupid. For the most part men are realistic with the expectations of what they’re looking for.

LISA: Okay now we’re on our second or third date, and I really I’ve decided I like this guy a lot. He’s terrific. But, I’m not attracted to him. What do I do?

JANIS: Well it’s tough because if you like him a lot, what do you like about him? Do you like his personality? Do you like that he’s really bright and interesting? You know, that can grow. His looks can grow on you. Go for another three dates.

LISA: Janis Spindel, thank you so much.

JANIS: You’re welcome.  

LISA: For I’m Lisa Birnbach.  
meet theexpert
  • Janis Spindel

    Janis Spindel Founder, Janis Spindel Serious Matchmaking, Inc. Janis Spindel, a former fashion executive, is the president and founder of Janis Spindel Serious Matchmaking, Inc., Janis specializes in pairing up highly successful, well-educated, attractive professionals, including public figures and celebrities. more about this expert »

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