How to apologize to your partner
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- Terrence Real , Relationship Therapist
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Terrence Real
Relationship Therapist
Love most certainly does not mean 'never having to say you’re sorry.' In most relationships, there are plenty of times when an apology is required. So why is it so hard to do? Here’s relationship expert Terrence Real with advice on how to apologize.
Terrence Real's book, The New Rules of Marriage
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Instructions
How to apologize to your partner
- First of all, there’s a time and place to apologize. You apologize when you have something to apologize for, and when your partner is being respectful. If he or she is being abusive, yelling or screaming, don’t do it then. But if the person is being an adult, that’s an appropriate time.
- One of the things Terry Real teaches guys is that there’s a surefire way to disarm an upset woman. You know what it is? Give her what she wants. But seriously...
- Give the gift of taking responsibility. Say, “yes, I did do this.” Terry feels so strongly about the healing power of taking responsibility that he encourages people to scour their brains to find something they can apologize and take responsibility for. Maybe your hand wasn’t in the cookie jar that time, but if it has been in the past, acknowledge it.
- Ask yourself what is this apology going to cost you? What’s more important, setting the record straight or making your partner feel better? If it’s just your pride that’s stopping you, get over yourself.
- Be a little flexible and humble.
- Then, it’s time to find out what can you do to make it better. Say to your partner,'Is there something I can say right now that makes you feel better?' The important phrase is 'right now' because you can’t change the past.
- Many people will say, I’m sorry you felt…Terry calls that, ‘screw you very much.’ It’s not sincere; it’s, 'I’m sorry, but you’re a nut.'
- Other people do 'I’m sorry, but…here’s what you do'. Don’t do that. Do it properly. Say you’re sorry, offer to do something to make it better, and then stop.
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