How to apologize to your partner

• First of all, there’s a time and place to apologize. Apologize when you have something to apologize for, and when your partner is being respectful. If he or she is being abusive, yelling or screaming, don’t do it then. But if the person is being an adult, that’s an appropriate time.

• There’s a surefire way to disarm an upset woman. Give her what she wants. But seriously...

• Give the gift of taking responsibility. Say, “yes, I did do this.” Terry feels so strongly about the healing power of taking responsibility that he encourages people to scour their brains to find something they can apologize and take responsibility for. Maybe your hand wasn’t in the cookie jar that time, but if it has been in the past, acknowledge it.

• Ask yourself what this apology is going to cost you? What is more important, setting the record straight or making your partner feel better? If it’s just your pride that’s stopping you, get over yourself.

• Be a little flexible and humble.

• Then, it’s time to find out what can you do to make it better. Say to your partner, 'Is there something I can say right now that makes you feel better?' The important phrase is 'right now' because you can’t change the past.

• Many people will say, I’m sorry you felt…Terry calls that, ‘screw you very much.’ It’s not sincere; it’s, 'I’m sorry, but you’re a nut.'

• Other people say 'I’m sorry, but…here’s what you do'. Don’t do that. Do it properly. Say you’re sorry, offer to do something to make it better, and then stop.

KATRINA:  Hi I'm Katrina Szish. We're talking relationships, specifically, how to apologize. Here to help us do that is relationship expert and the author of The New Rules of Marriage Terrence Real. Welcome.

TERRENCE: Thank you.

KATRINA:  Terrence, so when is it appropriate to apologize?

TERRENCE: You apologize when you have something to apologize for and you apologize when your partner is dealing with you in a respectful and grown-up way. If your partner is being abusive, yelling, screaming, name-calling, carrying on, then no you don't have to apologize. That's the time to take distance and take care of yourself. But assuming you have a grown-up on the other end, it's always a winner to apologize. Mostly what we do is we stand up and we take the hit and then we punch back. Well I did this and you did that. This is about ducking under the wave. It's very elegant. One of the things I teach, particularly guys, I say I have an amazing tool to disarm and chill out an upset woman. You know what it is? Give her what she wants. 

KATRINA:  I would agree with that. 

TERRENCE: The first gift you give them is acknowledgment. Yes I did do this. You're not crazy, I did do this.

KATRINA:  Some reassurance there.

TERRENCE: It's very reassuring. You know what I feel so strongly about the healing power of taking responsibility for yourself that I counsel people to scan your brains for something to acknowledge. You know, maybe I wasn't late the time you thought I was, but I've been late in the past so I can understand why that's the sore spot. Or I haven't been late, but there are other things that I've done that have been irresponsible, so I can see why you might be worried about it. You're hand might not have been in the cookie jar at that particular time, but it's been in the cookie jar in its day.

KATRINA:  So many people seem to have a hard time saying they're sorry. Almost like you're taking a piece out of you and throwing it away. How do you get over that?

TERRENCE: Well what I tell people is, ask yourself what is this going to cost me? What's more important to you, setting the record straight or helping my partner feel better so that I can have a good time.

KATRINA:  So by apologizing, you're actually making it better for yourself as well.

TERRENCE: Yeah it enlightens self interest. You know that old saying, pride goeth before a fall? What does it cost you to say, oh I wasn't late that day, but I have been in my time. It costs you your stiff neck pride. So get over yourself and be a little flexible and be a little humble and help your partner feel better.

KATRINA: So you've acknowledged that you have something to feel sorry for, now do you just say "I'm sorry"? 

TERRENCE: Well, it helps to say I'm sorry, it helps to actually say those words. I'm sorry and I'm sorry for this thing that I did or that I can do and then you want to see what you can do to make it better. Okay you know what, I can be late in my day, I understand that you're upset about that. Is there something I can say right now that would make you feel better. You know the important phrase in that sentence is "right now." 

KATRINA:   You're focusing on this moment.

TERRENCE: Yeah. If I say, is there something I can say right now that would make you feel better and they say, well you didn't have to be late to begin with. Well, I know, but that's the past and I can't change the past. I'm here right now, honey, is there something I could do or say to help you?

KATRINA:  But, a lot of people when they I'm sorry, they say it with an additional I'm sorry that you felt..deflecting the situation. How do you handle that?

TERRENCE:  Don't you just want to punch those people right in the face? I call that "screw you very much." Yes, you know, because you're saying I'm sorry, but you're really saying, you're a nut, you didn't experience it the right way and I'm sorry if you're going to be a nut--

KATRINA:  You are saying you're sorry without meaning it. Or taking responsibility.

TERRENCE: Right, that's why you want to punch him; it's a pseudo-apology. Another thing that people do that drives their partner absolutely against the wall is the "I'm sorry, but...". I'm sorry but the dog ate the homework, I'm sorry but a UFO landed on my nose, I'm sorry I do this, but what you do to me is...If you are going to say you're sorry, say you're sorry and keep it clean,keep it simple. Do your job and get out. 

KATRINA:  Thanks Terry.  What happens if you apologize to your partner and he or she still won't calm down? How to deal with your partner if he or she is being a jerk?