How to handle unwanted sexual requests from your partner

What are you supposed to do when confronted with a sexual request that you just aren't comfortable with? Sussman says this is a common situation in couples.

• If you’re in a long term relationship at some point you hit a dry spell and it’s really up to both parties to try to spice up your sex life. But the partner who comes up with a fantasy, should prepare the other partner to have an open mind.

• If you can emphasize that you want to try this with your partner, not that you're turned on by someone else, that's important.

• Don’t be judgmental or hurt the feelings of the partner who has put him/herself out there and is now vulnerable.

• Think it through, talk about it, investigate, experiment a little. If you’ve done all those things, and still feel uncomfortable or not turned on, sit down with your partner and say, I appreciate that you’ve shared this with me, and I’ve tried, but this isn’t working for me. I can’t do that. Hopefully it will be the end of the fantasy, but not the end of openness in the relationship.

• It’s a good idea to share your own fantasies, too.

• What about men who watch pornography? A lot of men who didn’t watch pornography before now do because it’s so available on the internet. A lot of women are disturbed when their husbands watch pornography. If we can bring that into the bedroom so that it’s not separate, it can be fine. You can get into trouble if you watch too much pornography, it over-stimulates some men and makes it harder for some to be stimulated by their wives. But if it can be something a couple does together, in a way the woman feels comfortable with it, why not?

• Is it normal to just do it the ‘old fashioned way’ without trying new things? Without using the word 'normal', yes, if a couple is happy, that’s great. If it’s not broken, don’t try to fix it. But if both partners want to try something new and exciting, that doesn't make them abnormal.