How to discuss sexual fantasies with your partner

What are you supposed to do when confronted with a sexual request that you just aren't comfortable with? Rachel Sussman says this is a common situation for couples and has the following suggestions for discussing sex fantasies with a spouse or partner. 

• If you’re in a long term relationship at some point you hit a dry spell and it’s really up to both parties to try to spice up your sex life. Before discussing their sex fantasty, the partner who comes up with the fantasy should prepare the other partner to have an open mind.

• If you can emphasize that you want to try this with your partner, not that you're turned on by someone else, that's important.

• By discussing their sex fantasies your spouse or partner has made themselves vulnerable--don’t be judgmental or hurt their feelings.

• Think it through, talk about it, investigate, experiment a little. If you’ve done all those things, and still feel uncomfortable or not turned on, sit down with your partner and say, I appreciate that you’ve shared this with me, and I’ve tried, but this isn’t working for me. I can’t do that. Hopefully it will be the end of the fantasy, but not the end of openness in the relationship.

• It’s a good idea to share your own fantasies, too.

• What about men who watch pornography? A lot of men who didn’t watch pornography before now do because it’s so available on the Internet. A lot of women are disturbed by this, but if we can bring that into the bedroom so that it’s not separate, it can be fine. However, you can get into trouble if you watch too much pornography; it over-stimulates some men making it harder for some to be stimulated by their wives. But if it can be something a couple does together, in a way the woman feels comfortable with it, why not?

• Is it normal to just do it the ‘old fashioned way’ without trying new things? Without using the word 'normal', yes, if a couple is happy, that’s great. If it’s not broken, don’t try to fix it. But if both partners want to try something new and exciting, that doesn't make them abnormal.

LISA BIRNBACH: Hi, I'm Lisa Birnbach for howdini.com. Talk about awkward moments. What are you supposed to do when you're confronted with a sexual demand that you just don't want to do? Is, "Eww!" ever the appropriate response? How about, "Hell, no, honey." With us for guidance on this especially tricky situatio is couples therapist Rachel Sussman. Hi, Rachel.

RACHEL SUSSMAN: Hi, Lisa.

LISA BIRNBACH: Do your clients ever bring this kind of thing in?

RACHEL SUSSMAN: It's actually pretty common, and I think that if you are in a long-term relationship, at a certain point, you're going to hit a dry spell in the sexual part of your relationship. And it really is both parties' responsibility at that point to spice up their sex life.

LISA BIRNBACH: What if your partner really does suggest something that is unthinkable to you or makes you think that, "Maybe I don't really know him as well as I thought I did"?

RACHEL SUSSMAN: It happens, and I'm all for couples communicating their fantasies to each other, but I think for the person communicating the fantasy, they've got to prepare themselves to approach their partner in a really gentle, loving way when they say, "Hey, I have an idea about doing something a little different. Now, it might seem a little bit outlandish to you when I bring it up, so can you really try to keep an open mind?" So prepare your partner to have an open mind.

LISA BIRNBACH: Well, that's very good. What about saying something like, "I want to do this with you," emphasize that it doesn't mean, "I'm turned on by other people"?

RACHEL SUSSMAN: That's an excellent idea, and I think a really important thing. And for the person who's on the receiving end and they're listening to their partner share their fantasy, oftentimes we will get a little nervous, and our first response will be, "No way. I am not going to do that." So for that person, I really encourage to keep an open mind and try to not say no right away.

LISA BIRNBACH: Or be judgmental. "You're sick. That's gross." Those are probably not helpful.

RACHEL SUSSMAN: No, you really don't want to hurt the feelings of your partner who's really put themselves out there and allowing themselves to be really vulnerable and tell you about a secret that they have.

LISA BIRNBACH: Okay, so your partner has said, "I want to do this." You've thought about it. You maybe investigated it on the internet. You've maybe even tried it. You hate it. Now what?

RACHEL SUSSMAN: Well, first of all, you've said all the right things to do. Think it through, talk about it, investigate it, maybe even experiment with it. And if you've done all those things and you still just can't deal with it, you need to sit down with your husband or your wife and say, "I appreciate that you shared this with me. It must have been hard for you. And I've really tried to keep an open mind. I've tried, but it's just something that, to me, is not a turn-on, and it's not sexual at all. Because of my own feelings, I just can no longer do this."

 LISA BIRNBACH: Now when you do that, could that be the end of an honest, open relationship?

 RACHEL SUSSMAN: Hopefully it will only be the end of that fantasy, and not the end of anything other than that.

LISA BIRNBACH: Can you sort of change your partner's fantasy life?

RACHEL SUSSMAN: You certainly can, and you could say, "You brought up this fantasy. What if we tried this instead? Here's a similar fantasy with some of the elements that you brought into your fantasy, but something that's more palatable to me, and something that I find sexy."

LISA BIRNBACH: So maybe this whole dialog can add a whole new dimension, but being careful to make the other person feel it's him or her who's wanted there, not a porn star.

RACHEL SUSSMAN: I think with the advent of the Internet over the past decade, a lot of men who didn't view pornography are now watching pornography. Women generally find out at some point, or they've known all along. And I've had situations where the women are quite disturbed that their boyfriends or husbands are watching pornography. And if we can actually bring that into the bedroom in a healthy way-- maybe there's a certain tape or something that the husband or man enjoys watching that he would feel comfortable sharing with his wife or girlfriend. They can do it together instead of making it a separate project, something that can bring them together.

LISA BIRNBACH: Rachel, a lot of women feel that their husbands or boyfriends relying on pornography is almost a form of cheating. How do you feel about that?

RACHEL SUSSMAN: I don't feel it's a form of cheating. I feel that people can get into trouble if they're watching too much pornography, and it can be somewhat addicting and they could have trouble performing because they're over stimulated by watching too much of it, and then they become under stimulated in the live environment of making love to their partner. But I think if pornography can be used together in a way that the wife or the girlfriend is comfortable with it, it can actually be something a couple can do together.

LISA BIRNBACH: If somebody's watching this segment and says, "Well, this doesn't relate to my life at all. My husband and I just like to make love the old fashioned way, and we're fine," does that mean that they're normal, or should they consider something new?

RACHEL SUSSMAN: I hate to use the word 'normal.' If a couple is making love the old fashion way and they're both comfortable with where their sex life is, that's great for them. But that doesn't mean another couple is comfortable in that same realm. Maybe there's another couple who wants to bring visual aids or some toys or something really exciting to the bedroom, and that doesn't make them abnormal; it makes them normal for them and for their sex life.

 LISA BIRNBACH: So if it's not broken, don't worry about fixing it?

 RACHEL SUSSMAN: If both people feel that things are fine, leave it be.

 LISA BIRNBACH: Thanks, Rachel.

 RACHEL SUSSMAN: Thanks, Lisa.

 LISA BIRNBACH: For howdini, I'm Lisa Birnbach.