How to manage gift-giving pressures in your relationship

Gifts come in many different sizes, shapes, packages and prices. They can also come with an agenda --- real or imagined --- unless you think through the issues surrounding your gift giving. For example, are you a chronic over spender on gifts? Under spender? What are you really trying to communicate? Notice me? Love me? Here I am? Are you setting yourself up for hurt feelings if your partner doesn't respond appropriately?

• The best way to avoid misunderstandings is to communicate and establish ground rules as early in the relationship as possible. Openly discuss your gifting philosophy and budgets so neither of you is surprised. For example, do you want a gift that is something you need? Do you want to be surprised? Do you prefer experiences, or things? At anniversaries and holidays, might you both prefer dinner and a how rather than another thing?
• Don't be victimized by marketing hype. A more expensive gift does not necessarily mean that more thought went into it.
• Sometimes, less really is more in the context of a relationship. Giving a gift that is especially appropriate, or requires the investment of time rather than 'just' money, can be a thoughtful and gracious expression of the strength of the bond between you.
• What if you don't like ANYthing that your partner ever gives you? First, be gracious when you receive the 3rd blender or 5th sweater or tie that you don't want or need. Give a big smile, and then think about when the right time might be to have a frank discussion about gifting moving forward. Secondly, be sure to make the effort to keep expectations in check.

Gift giving in relationships can be fraught with anxiety, and there can be many pitfalls. However, gift giving is an important custom for many of us, and holidays, anniversaries, birthdays and other gift-giving occasions can be a wonderful way to bring us closer to those that we hold dear.