Janis Spindel, Founder, Janis Spindel Serious Matchmaking, Inc.
Janis Spindel, a former fashion executive, is the president and founder of Janis Spindel Serious Matchmaking, Inc., Janis specializes in pairing up highly successful, well-educated, attractive professionals, including public figures and celebrities....
Getting that first date needn't be daunting or difficult. Janis's basic advice? Lose the playbook and be your best self. (Men see through the rules easily, she says. He knows what you're up to, and it turns him off. You aren't fooling him by not returning phone calls or acting disinterested.
Be confident. Let him know you're available in both subtle and overt ways when you first meet. For example, discreetly put your hand on his arm or on his hand to signal, "I'm interested in you." This subtle display of body language is both tasteful and appropriate. This gesture shows a sign of warmth, and men like women who are warm.
Trust that he WILL make the first move and wait — briefly — for him to call you.
If you've traded phone numbers and he hasn't called in two or three days, send him an e-mail or text message lightly suggesting a cup of coffee or short lunch. He may have legitimately lost your number or he may not be interested, but at this point you have nothing to lose.
If he asks YOU to pick a restaurant for a first meeting, be conservative. Pick a casual, not-too-expensive place where you both can easily be yourselves. (We once heard someone suggest that first dates should be held at places that remind us of our school cafeterias!) Lunch is a better choice than dinner — it's easier to arrange, and allows you to use the “I've got to get back to the office for a meeting” exit strategy. And nobody has to worry about a goodnight kiss.
Don't do ANYthing that makes you uncomfortable.
Don't ignore your gut feelings. They are usually accurate barometers of what's going on.
Don't go to a guy's place on the first date — even if he reports that he is a fabulous cook and would love to cook you dinner.
Don't choose intimate, romantic, out of the way restaurants on a first date.
Don't wait forever for him to call. Seize the initiative and call him.
Don't play games.
Don't be timid. Take advantage of ALL opportunities to meet new men, and cast your net as widely as possible to meet candidates for that first date.
LISA: I’m Lisa Birnbach for howdini.com. Few of us find dating easy. It’s particularly tough to get that first date with someone you’ve seen across a room. Or met though friends. Time for some advice from a pro. Professional matchmaker Janis Spindel is here to help. Hi Janis.
JANIS: Hi Lisa.
LISA: Okay I’ve met the guy. How do I get to the first date?
JANIS: Be confident. Let him know you’re available.
LISA: And trust that he will make the next move?
JANIS: Correct. If your body language is ‘you’re available,’ then you will get to the first date.
LISA: Say I met a guy I liked on a plane and we’ve exchanged phone numbers. Should I call him for the first date or would that look pushy?
JANIS: Wait for him to call you. If by some chance you don’t hear from him in two or three days, at that point, you can send him an email or a text.
LISA: What about the thinking that if he doesn’t call me he’s not interested and why force it?
JANIS: What if by some fluke he lost your phone number? You have nothing to lose. You have only to gain.
LISA: Okay what should women not do when arranging a first date?
JANIS: The first thing they shouldn’t do is if, if he asks you to pick the restaurant don’t pick something too expensive.
LISA: And in terms of what you do that first date to show you’re interested, but you don’t want to overdo it?
JANIS: Well one fabulous thing to do to let a man know you’re interested is very discreetly take your hand and either put it on his arm or put it on his hand to let him know your body language is ‘I’m interested in you.’ Not inappropriate, tastefully. But, it shows a sign of warmth. Men like women that are warm. And it shows a sign of affection without going in for the kill.
LISA: Janis, what’s a good idea of what to do on a first date and if a man suggests something that makes you uncomfortable, what should you do?
JANIS: Depending on who introduced you and how you met him, the easiest thing to do and obviously be in a public place for a meal whether it’s lunch, which is so much easier than dinner, or dinner trying to get to know somebody.
LISA: Why is dinner so much scarier than a lunch?
JANIS: Well it’s very difficult to have the good night kiss at lunch. It’s easy. People have to go back to their offices. It’s usually curtailed to about an hour and a half to two hours, whereas dinner is a problem.
LISA: What if a guy invites you to his place on the first date?
JANIS: Don’t go.
LISA: Don’t go.
JANIS: Anything that makes you uncomfortable on a first date, don’t do. Go with your gut feeling. And it’s not appropriate for a man to say, ‘you know what, I’m a great cook. I’d love to cook you dinner.’
LISA: Where have we heard that one before… Thank you Janis. For howdini.com I’m Lisa Birnbach.