How to maintain passion in a marriage

Why is it so often the love remains but the passion withers in a marriage? Is it even possible to be in love without the desire that fueled your romance in the first place? Esther Perel, a well-known marriage and family therapist, offers bold and provocative advice on intimacy and sex:

The difference between love and desire:

• If love is about having, then desire is about wanting.
• Although you can be generous in both love and desire, they’re not always the same thing.
• Desire allows one to safely experience the darker emotions of love, like jealousy, aggression, power and control.
• Being in love creates a sense of closeness that can sap the erotic vitality out of a relationship. Desire needs space to thrive.

• Passivity and complacency: partners sometimes complain “You don’t make me feel desirable” when they could be asking themselves “What can I do to help generate feelings of desire from my partner?”
• A breakdown of imagination: When you have a breakdown of desire you have a breakdown of imagination and you have people who no longer know how to say erotically engaged.
• Familiarity: It’s common for couples to be in love but not have sexual desire. A couple can become so familiar with each other that they get stuck in certain roles that desexualize each other.

• Each partner should ask themselves: what is my responsibility in generating a certain kind of excitement between us? Not just the excitement in bed, but the excitement in the relationship. Keeping your relationship interesting and vibrant helps a lot.
• Try to recreate the energy that first got you together.
• Remember that desire ebbs and flows, but love remains constant.