Can your marriage survive an affair? How can you regain the trust of your partner? Here are some surprising answers from Esther Perel:

Should you always reveal the affair?
In America (unlike the rest of the world), we believe in total transparency in a relationship—even at the expense of our partners’ feelings. In other cultures, it’s believed that it’s better to save face—protecting the partner from embarrassment. And while an affair may be revealed, it’s not necessary to divulge all of the hurtful details.

Secrets aren’t always the end of a relationship. Sometimes the person who had the affair can end it without telling their partner, instead coming back to the relationship having learned something about themselves and what they want from the relationship.

How do we rebuild trust?
Many couples find that they cannot repair trust after a revealed infidelity, but some don’t. They realize it’s a huge, painful disruption, but then they mend the relationship. They learn to have conversations. Often in therapy, after the revelation of an affair, they have conversations they haven’t had in years.

Remember that there are stages to rebuilding the trust. It may not be the same kind of trust as before.

What kind of a relationship can you have after an affair?
Some find a way to have a whole new relationship. In the West, most people will have 2-3 committed relationships in their lifetimes—sometimes with the same person. After an affair, the marriage that you had may come to an end, but you have to ask yourself if you have enough history and love together to want to have another marriage with the same person.

The new relationship is going to be with the same person but very different. It can be more sober and solid, but also less naïve and idealistic.

Also in other cultures, the person who was betrayed is more likely to be willing to continue with the relationship in order to save the family unit and keep the status quo.

But is lying okay?
It is not an easy concept to accept—lying to protect others—in America. Here there is a push for transparency that has become so intense we’ve lost respect for privacy. By keeping an affair to yourself you may preserve your marriage.